When your sailor returns from a deployment
1. Anticipation of the deployment: At first when we hear about the upcoming deployment we get nervous, scared, angry, and sad. At some point it
starts to feel like an old band-aid that you need to pull off. You want to rip
it off and get it over with. In reality you want the deployment to start so
you can start counting the days down until your sailor comes home. This feeling
causes confusion, you might feel guilty for wanting the deployment to just
start. The truth of the matter is, we dont' like when our sailors are gone. This
step includes both moms and spouses.
2. Separation: You might find yourself emotionally pulling away from your sailor. This is a surprise. During
this portion of the deployment... specifically for the spouse, you might find
yourself separating your lives. You realize you face taking care of both your
lives without the most important person in your life with you. You want to kick
the next person who says, " Well, you knew what he or she did when you got
married." You might find this is when you sit down and have the great CRY. You
might lose a bit of yourself when your sailor first leaves.
Personally, at the beginning of one of our deployments I flooded the second floor of our house
the first night he was gone. I got to cry some more. I was definitely out of
it.
3. Catching your second wind: You need to survive. You start trying to make a daily schedule for yourself. You find yourself looking for things in
your life to help the time go by. Then you find things to do in life that you
really enjoy. You might feel guilty thinking you don't really love your sailor.
Don't worry you are still in love, right now you are taking care of the
immediate needs and it's ok to put your needs on the list. Actually, this is one
of the healthiest steps you can take during a cruise. It means you are still you
and not just a spouse. You have your own life and every Navy spouse should have
their OWN lives. It is important to include your in-laws in what you know.
Provide your in-laws the Ombudsman contact and enroll their email in the command
newsletter. You will be surprised how much your mother-in-law appreciates being
included in news about her child/sailor.
For moms you may be a great source of help for your new in laws. You have already gone through these steps
when your son or daughter joined the Navy. You already started doing things for
yourself when your kids moved out. You can help your inlaws and encourage them
to take care of themselves. So call them once in awhile and just ask about them.
This will also help to bring you two closer to one another as friends.
4. Reality hits again: Just as you find your stride in your daily life with the
kids or your job or a new hobbie you took up while your sailor was gone, you
realize you have past the mid point of the deployment and now you have to start
thinking about your life changing again because your sailor is going to come
home. This is a time you were certain you would never get too in the beginning
and you would NEVER have believed how this might make you feel. You're excited
about the homecoming but you're also nervous. You have been in charge and you
feel pretty good about how you have managed to pick yourself up.
Well, things are going to be different when your sailor comes home. You certainly will
explain life to him or her. Your Sailor may be the love of your life but the
love of your life left you... it doesn't matter that your sailor had orders.
Somewhere in the back of your mind you are still a bit ticked about that.
For you moms, you know the plan was always to raise productive citizens but you
might recognize the feeling your in-laws are having. Think about the time when
you realized your baby was a grown-up and perhaps she or he didn't need you at
every waking moment. You might have been a bit ticked off too. I mean How dare
that kid not need you? Does your sailor realize how long you were in labor with
him or her?
All kidding aside, these mixed signals about homecoming are very normal
HOMECOMING
Spouses
So you get the information about the homecoming date and the first thing spouses start thinking about is making up
for lost time. (sorry Moms but that is what we think about)
Spouses you start planning the perfect homecoming. You get the outfit ... you plan the meal... you
get a hotel. In your perfect homecoming Dream... your mother-in-law is no wear
in sight because and there is no nice way to say this but it would kill the
moment. You are planning on private time. Woohoo! You are planning on all the
special time you have missed. You need to know that you are still the most
important person in your sailor's life and as the Lord as your witness... he or
she is going to spend time with JUST you first. If you are newly married... this
is all you can think about. You get yourself all set.
Mom
Moms have been waiting for much longer than the deployment. You had to say goodbye when
your sailor left the house. You brought this kid into the world and you can't
help it. You can't wait to see him or her. You have worried, your child may have
been in harms way. You just want to touch them and see they are ok. You spent a
huge portion of your life trying to get this kid to become an adult. He or she
means everything to you. You won't stay long but you just really want to be
there for this important day. After all you have never missed any of the special
days in this kid's life. You are so proud! You have told all your friends and
you got a great rate on airline tickets the moment you found out about the
homecoming date. You'll call your new inlaw in a few days and TELL him or her
you ARE going to be on the dock the day the ship pulls in. They haven't been
married long... they can wait one more day. After all you might not be quite
interested in being a grandparent just yet.
The Sailor's side
Tough as it is... these aren't the only two sides to this story. You see, you both forgot
your sailor. Your sailor has been deployed where everyday the living quarters
have been a challenge. They have been told what to do, when to do it, how to do
it, and judged if they have not done it correctly. They have been responsible
for lives and they have been under stresses we have not considered. On board
ship, they have had very little privacy. They have not been able to get away
from work. They have been lonely. Being the emotional basketcase is not the way
to get ahead in the military so they have compartmentalized their emotions. They
need to distress too. They may actually have a plan of their own! This thought
seems to be a shocker for both Moms and Spouses. After all you both know exactly
what he or she likes. If they have been on board the boat, they have not been
driving. (This is just a side note and not from personal experience, but slowly
give back the car keys.)
They may surprise you both, they may let you both down. They may want to do what they want to do. The last thing they need or
want to do is to have you two at each others throats. They don't want to come
home to the two of you competing for his or her time. No matter what you THINK
they might want this next bit of advice is so important.....
ASK first... both of you. Before your sailor comes home, ASK your sailor what he or
she would like to do when they first get home. This also gives you all a chance
to express your desires. Your sailor is going to need to remember your needs
matter too and that goes for EVERYONE.
You will ALL be so much happier if you talk about what is expected and wanted.
New spouses, remember to include your in-laws.
Moms remember what it is to be a new spouse.
Both of you remember your sailor is a person too. They will be thrilled that someone asked them what they wanted rather than Ordering them to
do something else. They have been doing that for the entire
deployment.
IMPORTANT
When these situations are not handled right... feelings get hurt, young marriages struggle and no one is happy. The worst thing
that can happen is that you can ruin Homecoming. You will all be left with bad
memories and hurt feelings. You support your
Sailor and the last thing you want is to ruin what should be a happy time for
all. So TALK to each other already and each of you make compromises. You will
all be happier you did.
5. Reorganization of a marriage: Spouses This one is always a shocker... no matter how many cruises or deployments you might have
done. After the homecoming, a week or two into the transition, something starts
to seem different. That person you could NOT wait to see, starts to get a little
frustrating. If you waited on them hand and foot you may be wondering when you
are going to get back to that life you created while he or she was gone. Things
have changed and maybe your sailor has not noticed. How dare he or she not
notice all you have accomplished? This is the moment when you need to sit down
and have a talk. Talk to your sailor about the things you have changed. This
will surprise you too but your sailor may be feeling the same way.
Your marriage has changed. You are now a veteran of a Navy Deployment and you have
both changed. Renegotiate things in your life together. Talk about the
differences and don't be afraid to address the changes. Talking about these
changes helps to re-establish trust and everyday schedules. This is the easiest
way to transition back into everyday life. Don't be shocked if you two end up in
an argument or two. It's normal, call your other Navy Spouse friends and ask
them about this.
This last step of reorganizing a marriage takes the Navy family back to normal everyday life...whatever that is. (were not married yet, but I hope to be Mrs. Hinsley one day)
*We always forget our other half is out there going through the same thing, if not worse. I have to remind my self that as much as I resent him when I don't hear from him for weeks at a time, that just means he's not hearing from me either. So stress on both ends never ends up well. We have to stay as positive as we want them to be.
